Eihwaz

The Eihwaz Rune represents the yew tree, and some believe the rune to be a symbol of death, and to have a connection with the "World Tree" Yggdrasil.

The point at which the upper and lower worlds meet in Midgard...

I was sort of forced to ponder death for the past year. I've never truly been that close to death to completely immerse myself in the thought of after-death to truly try and understand it.

I've been able to see death up close and feel what it does. I've seen the pain it causes, physically and mentally, to the one dying and to those around them. I've seen a death that, I originally believed, was not glorious.

But I'm less afraid now than I ever was. I used to be crippled by the thought of losing someone close, and I've been very aware of my own mortality through my entire life. Maybe age changes us in that regard but I feel some kind of metaphysical bond to something beyond this world, and thats not by the act of time passing.

I've felt and conjured the notion of a different kind of energy. In a rush of unfettered emotion on a car ride home, I was able to pinpoint a comfortable view of death.

I also have realized the idea of glory in death. To see those around us rush to our aid, no matter how much pain we're in, how difficult things are - to see that we've reached out to those around us enough for them to love us that much...

That's a glorious death.

The connections we make, the "social contracts" we sign and the emotions exchanged between our persons will bind us together forever. I truly believe that the pain you feel and share, the struggles you face with others, the joy and elation, love, and everything in between pulls us closer than just the physical and emotional connections. As if some energy reaches in between us and holds us close, no matter how or when we return to being dust. Like a tree's roots and branches reaching toward the sun and beneath our feet, grasping every sort of energy it can. This is truly how we live forever.

Make connections, share your true feelings, build the energy between each other and after we return to the stars, we'll see each other in a new universe.

We'll see each other in eternity.

Mavenry

I have transformed. I'm some kind of freelance maniac. The space around me has become an extension of my body. I extend my roots and drink from the Death Wish Coffee in my horn next to me. I soak in the life of the sun from the windows in front of me and I soak in the energy of a new life from the screens and outlets around me. I make my own roots, I make my own future. I grow my leaves to become stronger, I find connections wherever I can to the people who will water me and help me flourish. I soak up the rain of life, the harsh times and hard moments, and use them to grow instead of drown. I find new ways to be the person I want to be every moment of every day. I don't let setbacks and emotions get the best of my resolve. 

I feel myself shaping my future for the first time in my life.

I never knew what I wanted to do and I was hung up on that for years. I still don't know exactly what the future holds but like the adventures I like to throw myself into, just going is the only step I need right now. And each step I take is less about finding the end, but molding the world around me to get myself where I need to go.

I will falter, I will fail. But my bark, my armor, the things that protect my heart are strong. I don't need a miracle anymore. I was given one.

Now is the time to cherish and use it.

Momentum

I talked on here a lot about my mother, I find it cathartic to speak about her and my journey to be transformative.

Going through our first holidays without my mom was strange and difficult. Leading up to them and knowing I was going to be experiencing them without her, I was going through some changes, some uncontrolled and some by my own doing. I pushed myself to a brink, in fact. I recognized the place I was in mentally then and where I had been for almost two years before. I took myself to the edge of an abyss and looked out into it. I stared my demons in the eyes. I also saw at that moment that only I had to power to push myself forward.

We carry demons. Those things that burden us. Fear, doubt, guilt, anger, depression, or what have you.  For a couple years now I've been letting them tear me apart. It's affected work, my personal life, my health, and others around me. After my mother's death I was just worse.

So I saw them, and I pushed myself to face them. We may never truly shake our demons, but we can keep them at bay.

I told myself that the start of the new year would be it. Specifically January 2nd, a Monday and the day we had nothing more to do with 2016. That morning I woke up and I was a new person.

I looked into the darkness, turned my back and walked away - my demons snarling and gnashing their teeth as they receded into the depths.

The Road

I'm now wholly and effectively focused on work, my relationships, and my health. I've made strides in my business and worked in new hobbies and interests. Soon we'll be moving, but we don't know where to yet, and this doesn't frighten me - it excites me. I recognize I'm in a similar state I was in when we moved to Charleston. When we came here, I could be a new, stronger person and love myself. I could experience new things and become the person I wanted to be.

I look forward to that opportunity again. So I pledge to keep moving, keep that momentum going and always carry the fire.

The Land of Fire, Ice, and Lessons

Iceland was the closest I've gotten to stepping foot on an alien planet.

It's also the closest I've gotten, in recent memory, to serious bodily harm or death - and it was all amazing.

The unbridled landscape and scenery of the island nation was unlike anything I had seen, straight out of movies - literally. Our days were filled with ogling everything around us. As the midnight sun cast hours of golden light on everything around us, sleep seemed like a punishment. I was told before I went there that I'd probably want to move there - this was instantly true.

Even before our adventures outside of Reykjavik, the capital city was welcoming and like something from a dream. The main thoroughfare in the more tourist trodden area was like a little nordic fairy tale land. And being in a foreign country with a large English speaking population took me out of my comfort zone just enough as well.

I learned more about photography than I thought I would. In fact I felt like I had learned more from bringing two lenses into the mountainous distances of this place than I could learn sitting in a classroom for weeks. I learned about the risks I need to take with my drone (and also some mistakes to avoid - missed out on some good footage due to rookie mistakes... ROOKIE MISTAKES). I absorbed and examined everything around me and I left feeling like a different person.

Iceland doesn't coddle you though, the landscape takes you just out of your comfort zone as well. The more you get into the wilderness, the more dangerous it becomes - but no one is there to stop you. I started calling it, "The Land of Too Few Guard Rails."

I recall a moment, while driving through the highlands, where I got to the top of a ridge with a deep ravine on the left and a decline so treacherous looking that I paused and said,

"You have got to be fucking kidding me."

I rode the brake the entire way down, I don't think I've gone that slow for that long in years.

And the coup de grace for realizing the visceral danger of Iceland's many raw terrestrial vistas was in the highlands, walking on clay with no tread on my boots, while rain beat down on us. I had climbed some "steps" to the top of a ridge and attempted to move forward. I got to a thin portion of this ridge, with steep falls on either side, and I started to slip. I had a moment where I was transported back to childhood - I wanted help, I wanted someone to grab my hand and help me down - I was frozen.

I took a second, steadied myself and told myself no one is coming, I must take these steps by myself and bring myself to safety. And I did, but not before shouting to Amanda to "GO BACK DOWN!" as she was coming up behind me.

The earth there demands respect, and in the process of learning that I felt I had learned a lot about myself.

I mentioned in my past post the idea that I hope my traveling bug is for the right reason. I want to be running to something and not from something. At one moment in our journey, I was behind the wheel of our "4x4" Kia Sportage, driving down the thin roads that rocket across the seemingly desolate expanse of Iceland's harsh terrain, and something hit me. I was deep in thought and my mother popped into my mind, as she often does, but this time there was something heavier there. I stared straight down the road as the dividing lines continued past us and a voice asked,

"Well, which is it? Are you running from something or to something?"

I was taking the figurative idea literally, of course, of staring down the road ahead of me and wondering that.

What was ahead of me? Some semblance of solace or acceptance, or more grief or depression?

And I couldn't answer the question.

I felt an uneasiness from this. Does that answer my question? What if it's neither? What if this is a totally different beast? What if that's the point and I'll look back in 20 years and say, I always knew the answer, that's why I did it.

So I'll keep looking. I've got the world ahead of me, and I suspect at some point down the road, that voice will again ask, "Well, which is it?"

Which is it?

Skál!

Wanderlust

When I created this page and wrote my first blog post I had wild ambitions.

Too wild, in fact. 

I was hoping to create some sort of brand identity for myself where I could do the writing I wanted to do and put in my two cents on everything - literally everything, and that was the problem. I had no direct focus, I didn't know where it was going, I just wanted it to GO... and that's where it stopped.

I come back here months after my original post, after losing my mother and undergoing some serious thought due to it.

I had conversations I never thought I'd have in life - ones that no one wants to have.

With these trying words my soul started to flutter. Something inside of me took off and said, "Let's go!" I think part of my mother, the part of her that loved walking through Paris, the part that was given form when traveling through India, just wandered into me. She asked me before she died what I was going to do after she was gone and I told her I was going to take my girlfriend on a trip.

That trip is here.

And while it would be great to say I've found my calling, I've found where I'm going from here and you'll hear all about it on the next blog posts - that's not exactly how this works. I want to travel, I want to see the world, I want to take risks but I need to find something first. I need to find if I'm running to something or from something. I mentioned this on an Instagram post and my conclusion was: when I get down that road and up that mountain, when I stare forward do I see the end, or just more road? So I'm in for a journey here, and it will not be easy sometimes but I imagine it may end up being pretty fun at times.

So, jumping back... 

I'm not going to make this no-direction blog that I originally stated. I'm going to be myself, I'm going to journey forward, and I hope to take some along for the ride.

So now... on to my next stop.

Death, Spirit, Rebirth

My mother died February 10th, 2016, five days shy of her 70th birthday. 

Prior to that, probably about a year before, my car had been vandalized, we hit a deer, and I had done a week of free work for no good reason. I had started to become depressed again and I didn't realize it. There were times where I would sit and do nothing for days, work had slowed down considerably and I didn't seek it out. There was a time, about when I wrote the first blog post on here, when I thought I was turning a new leaf, about to do some big things - and nothing happened. I found motivation hard to attain. 

And about the time I started to realize I was in a bad place, my mom was diagnosed with cancer.

I went home to help her and a few months later she had passed with my father, my sister, her dog, and I at her bedside.

We fall, we pick ourselves up, we sink slowly and don't realize we've hit the bottom, we think we recover but we actually have gone nowhere... And life goes on and hits you harder.

We struggle. We strive. We continue on.

The idea of continuing on without my mother is hard though. 

When we all believed she had more time she bought a voice recorder. Upon her death, I took a moment alone to listen to them. I immediately thought about preservation and uploaded them to a few of my many cloud accounts. I did the same with files of hers - personal writings she had pondered over and never sent. I saw things that revealed her soul to me - parts of her world I had no idea about. All of these things including scanned documents, pictures, voicemails, and videos all found a place in the cloud, under a folder labeled "Mom."

If there ever has been evidence of a ghost it's in this age.

I took solace in the idea that, when I'm lonely, or sad, or if I need guidance I can look to this digital imprint my mother has left. I can find the emotions she had in her hardest times, use her reactions to my advantage, rebuild her for a moment in my mind and ask the difficult questions. Parents help guide us but it's up to us to make decisions or to proceed in any way. 

But just while writing this I realized something, I spent my 28 years with my mother - the impact she left on me will always be there. With or without some digital spirit, I carry my mother with me, always.

She left me with an opportunity though: To learn, to seek, to feel. My walls are broken down and the world stands before me. My mother is telling me to be the best version of me I can. To pick myself up by my bootstraps, get out there, and do what is right for me. I will hurt along the way, I will fall, I will feel like I've lost everything - but then I'll remember she's with me, and I will rise again - and I will do this over and over until the day I rejoin her.

And that is what I'll do.

I love you Mom. 

A Fresh Start

New beginnings in familiar places...

Since moving to Charleston just over two years ago, I've gone through changes of every sort. I've lost weight and gained weight, I've seen work flow in and have watched that work wane, felt the heartache of loss and the joys of love, and I've experienced a thousand more things that would take me ages to list. As these life changes continue from moment to moment I've often found my thoughts drifting into strange and wonderful places. Most of the time those places stay exactly where they start - in my thoughts. As I begin my third year in the Holy City, I decided to find a place to outlet those thoughts while updating my business to reflect exciting new ventures. 

Simply put, I've decided to increase productivity in my life from every angle. This blog will feature posts about my adventures, photography, weight loss, tech, a combination of the previous two in a "quantified self" perspective (but lets take it slow first), local and possibly national products, Charleston current events including some I've submitted to Grit (some #tbt sort of stuff as well), and whatever else is stirring around in my brain.

On this website you can also find photography and some video work (more to come very soon) done for all sorts of businesses throughout my growing career. As of this post, things are still changing and improving so hold on tight!

Please share, subscribe, leave feedback, and most importantly: enjoy!